Category Archives: advice

Pressure to conform?

Star Wars, Stormtroopers, clones, gay news, Washington Blade

Afraid that your clone friends might ice you out? (Photo by J.D. Hancock via Creative Commons)

Dear Michael,

I’m living the mirror life of the lonely guy who wrote you recently complaining of feeling excluded from the gay world. I have a lot of friends and a busy social life. But like that other guy, I’m unhappy with all the rules and requirements for fitting in.

Some examples: I don’t like to drink much, but I do because my friends all get hammered and badger me when I don’t join them; also, it’s not fun to be the only sober guy when we’re out. I don’t really enjoy working out — I’d rather ride my bike in Rock Creek Park — but I spend almost two hours at the gym several nights a week so that I’ll have the same great body that everyone else has and won’t get teased by my friends about looking fat. I was vegetarian, but got sick of being ragged about it every time we were at a restaurant, so now I just eat the same as everyone else.

I don’t like sitting around with my friends critiquing each others’ hookups or comparing guys on Grindr. I would much rather play a board game or discuss a cool science fiction book I’m reading, but then I get labeled as a weird geek. I like having friends, but sometimes feel like I did before I came out: acting different than I want to so people will like me. Is this just the way it is? I didn’t come out just to wind up facing a new set of restrictions for how I have to act. But I feel like I’ve had to discard important parts of who I am so that I will be accepted. Are there some other options besides being a clone or an outcast?

Michael replies:

Yes, there are definitely other options.

A lot of us think that when we come out we’ll have a world to fit into, but the truth is that there is no single gay community into which you can or will fit. I often hear the thought expressed that gay people should be more welcoming of diversity, or kinder, because they have often been made to feel “less than” over the course of their lives. But of course gay people are just human like anyone else. In fact, it’s quite easy for someone who has been victimized to become a victimizer, putting others down and defining others as outsiders in order to finally feel like an insider. So it makes sense that you’ll find all sorts of sub-groups among gay folks that, to be a part of, you need to fit very specific requirements. And that’s the life you describe currently living.

Because you have come out, you already know that you have the ability to be true to yourself even when there’s a lot of pressure to conform to others’ expectations. And you know that there’s sometimes a price for doing that, just as there are some benefits.  You might lose some friends and you might get ragged on if you behave in ways that you respect, but that your friends don’t approve of. But you also are likely to feel a lot better about yourself, because the way to build self-esteem is, literally, to behave in ways that you respect.

I wonder how much you are standing up for yourself by consistently and firmly telling your friends to cut out the teasing and judgment. Clearly, you’re fearful about being criticized, so I can imagine that you’re not eager to jump into any kind of confrontation with your main social group. But keeping silent when you’re put down isn’t likely to change anything in a positive way. And you sound like a guy who wants to stand up for himself rather than squandering his life trying to fit someone else’s definition of who he should be. So here’s an opportunity to get better at coming to your own defense.  If your friends are decent and on the road to maturity, I hope they’ll accept you as the man you really are. If not, the gay world is far from monolithic and somewhere out there are guys who like board games, vegetarian food, science fiction and/or biking.

One more thing: pay attention to your own judgments about who you are supposed to be, as well. A simple example: could you tolerate having less of a gym body?  It’s easy to pass off our own fears as the concerns of others, so your ideas about who you should be as a gay man may also be getting in your way.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

To fap or not to fap?

Fap, Masturbation, Gay News, Washington Blade, Porn

If you find yourself turning more often to the computer than another human for sex, it may be time to re-wire your brain. (Image by GenX; via Creative Commons)

Dear Michael,

What do you think about the No Fap movement? It’s started me thinking that I spend way too much time beating off in front of my computer screen and that I’ve been making less of an effort to actually have sex. I actually get off easier to online stuff, which I think is usually hotter than the real thing, but something seems troubling about this.

Michael replies:

Masturbating to internet porn is leading many guys, including you, to lose interest in sex with real people and to have erectile dysfunction or difficulty reaching orgasm when trying to have sex with another person.

How is this happening? Our brains’ wiring pushes us to continually seek opportunities for sex and to keep seeking out new partners to increase the likelihood of our genes getting passed down. Internet porn, unlike the porn of yore, is always available, often free and offers immediate stimulation of every imaginable variety at the click of a mouse. These attributes enable it to plug right into the brain’s innate desire to have frequent and varied sexual experiences. Addiction is almost unavoidable: The easy access and unlimited options can make internet porn way more alluring than real-life sex. And our brains, which don’t know the difference between virtual and real sex, want to keep getting off with what seems like an endless stream of hot partners.

As we rapidly access the next image, scene or story that is even more exciting than the one we just viewed, we are re-wiring our brains to have a higher and higher arousal threshold, making it hard to get hard when we’re simply with another guy. We’re also wiring our brains to get turned on by what’s on a screen rather than by what’s really in front of us, by voyeurism rather than by participatory sex and by an unending array of increasingly stimulating images rather than by an ongoing connection to another person. The result of all this: we lose interest in the real thing and get hooked on chasing ever more exciting porn, sitting at our computers or holding our smartphones in isolation.

There are some additional twists to this for gay men. Straight guys usually have opportunities to develop their sexuality with other people as they’re growing up and dating. Gay men usually have been closeted in their teens and often learn about their own sexual feelings and responses through images and fantasy, including lots of PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm). As a result, we may have a tendency from the get-go to be more turned on by the virtual than by the real and this is worrisome. Studies find that the earlier men start fapping to internet porn, the longer it will take for them, if they do stop, to function successfully when having sex with a real person. Their brains have simply not developed robust pathways for non-porn arousal.

In addition, gay male culture is ever more saturated with sexualized hook-up websites and apps featuring headless torso shots. This emphasis on sex over any other kind of human connection synchs up with fapping to make it even more difficult for you to be aroused by a real person with whom you might relate in some way other than through sex.

Bottom line: You should be very concerned about your fapping to porn. The good news is that you can re-set your brain so that you are aroused by reality. But doing so isn’t easy, and requires time and a great deal of willpower. The key to change? Stop fapping to porn and other fantasy stimulation, in order to give your brain the opportunity to lower the arousal threshold you’ve jacked up through porn. Yes, you read this right: if fapping has left you unable to get turned on by an actual man in bed next to you, then you must give up porn, and the fantasies that porn has burned into your brain, if you want to enjoy and relate to what actually exists.

Given the highly addictive qualities of PMO, and given that people fap not just for sexual release but also for all sorts of self-soothing, walking away from it can be extremely difficult. Therefore, if you decide to make this move, be sure to have good support and perhaps a great therapist to help you manage the anxiety and stress that you will likely experience as you start to live without internet porn.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Gay Charlie Brown syndrome?

 

body image, hot body, abs, gay news, Washington Blade

(Photo courtesy Bigstock)

Dear Michael,

Last week, at my 40th birthday party no less, a friend told me that I’ve passed my “sell by” date. I think he’s right. I’ve never been much of a success as a gay man, because I’ve never fit the image that seems to define what a gay man should be. I’m not skinny, I’ve been balding since my 20s, casual sex holds no appeal to me, I don’t like alcohol or recreational drugs and I’m bad at one-liners, catty conversation, fashion and fabulousness in general. So I’m pretty much a wallflower at bars and parties.

Now, with this aging thing, I feel more and more excluded from the club to which I thought I had a guaranteed membership, but which has never really accepted me. I’d love a boyfriend, companionship and some decent gay friends (who don’t insult me at my own birthday party). But given that I’m apparently a dull round peg where a sleek skinny peg is required, should I just give up?

Michael replies:

Your experience of feeling marginalized in the gay male world is common, shared by many who don’t fit a certain narrow age-body-beauty demographic. If you, like most gay men, have grown up in a gay-unfriendly culture, your present sense of not fitting in can easily re-activate old trauma and feelings of worthlessness. The result: when you stand on the sidelines at a party or get snubbed by some glamour boy, you feel as bad as you did at 14 when you were picked last for the baseball team. Other past experiences of feeling “less than,” not directly tied to being gay, can also get activated by present-day feelings of rejection and lead to your feeling as rotten about yourself now as you did way back when.

I urge you to start challenging your own negative view of yourself. Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s words: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  You have accepted a notion of what it means to be an ideal gay man that is based on appearance and behavior, but there are countless ways to be a perfectly fine gay man that have little to do with what is on the surface. Every time you disparage yourself, you are reinforcing those old pathways in your brain that make it easy to see yourself as a loser.   Conversely, if you would consistently make the effort to find (and cultivate) attributes that you respect about yourself, then seeing yourself in a positive light would become easier and more habitual. Another reason to work on your self-esteem: when you walk around believing that you are a failure, other people are likely to pick up on that energy and see you in much the same way as you see yourself.

Would you also consider reducing the time you spend with people who do not welcome you or who put you down? Be aware that you may have a hard time giving this up: Experiences and ways of thinking that are old and familiar, even painful ones, can feel somewhat comfortable, so they are difficult to abandon for something new and unknown. But if you will widen your lens, there are many gay men out there who are generally friendly and accepting of others. Challenge yourself to find and spend time with people who share your values and interests. This will be a powerful antidote to your ongoing experiences of rejection.

Reading these words may give you some ideas for new ways to see yourself and your situation. But one advice column is unlikely to deeply alter your negative view of yourself or help you become more hopeful in a lasting way. Such changes are absolutely possible. But they take time and ongoing effort. Therefore, I urge you to find a good therapist to help you challenge yourself to create a life that consistently affirms your worth as a gay man and a human being.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Marriage in Md. — celebration and legal realities

By SUSAN SILBER & SUSAN FRANCIS

Hearing about the first couples being issued their marriage licenses, receiving the happy news of friends planning to get married, contemplating our own futures and seeing couples finally able to marry on Jan. 1, we, as the rest of our community and allies, are nearly left speechless by the historical magnitude of what is happening in our state.

We share the joy, happiness and relief of knowing that our families will be recognized and treated with more protections than at any time in our history. However, because of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), even if you do choose to marry, your relationship will be left unprotected by more than 1,000 federal laws enjoyed by straight married couples.

Can we marry? The patchwork of relationship recognition for our families has evolved quickly in the last 10 or so years. If you were legally married in another state or country, then you are legally married in Maryland and you cannot marry again. If you have a civil union or registered domestic partnership (including an affidavit of domestic partnership in Maryland), then you can marry as long as it is to the same person. Marrying will carry the additional state legal recognition and benefits.

If you have a civil union or domestic partnership, and you want to marry someone else, you need to legally dissolve your previous status. If you live outside Maryland, you can marry without any residency requirement, but if you live in a non-recognition state not only will your marriage not be recognized when you return home, if you ever need to end your marriage you may have a problem getting divorced since your home state won’t recognize your marriage even to end it, and Maryland has a one-year residency requirement for divorce.

What does marriage mean for parenting? Regardless of your marital status, you must do a second-parent adoption. It’s the only way to ensure that your parental relationship to your child, as the non-biological parent, is recognized and honored by all states. An adoption order from a court must be recognized by other states. Two lesbian moms who are married can be named on the baby’s birth certificate, but being named on the birth certificate does not establish parentage if you move to a non-recognition state.

Anytime you leave Maryland, you may be placing the relationship with your child in jeopardy, because a state that doesn’t recognize your marriage does not have to recognize all of the things that flow from it, including your status as a second parent based solely upon your marriage.  Two dads cannot be named on a birth certificate, and also need to go through the adoption process. Once the adoption has occurred, DOMA does not apply to the parent-child relationship, and the child is eligible to receive federal benefits that flow from the second parent (e.g., social security benefits).

What else can we do to protect ourselves? Regardless of whether you choose to marry, you should do your estate planning. As we know, our families still encounter hostility from our families, hospitals, funeral homes, among others, and it’s important to make sure we’ve taken the legal steps to ensure our wishes are honored. In addition, you might want to consider re-titling your property to tenancy by entirities. It’s a status only available to married couples and prevents creditors of one of the parties from trying to secure an interest in your home. Up until now, same-sex couples have not had that option.

It also might be appropriate for you and your partner to create a prenuptial agreement in order to navigate potential issues including property, allocation of other resources and committing to pursue a non-adversarial method (like mediation or the collaborative process) if you need to end your relationship in the future. Because recognition of the length of our relationships (there may be a significant difference between how long we’ve been in a committed relationship and how long that relationship has been recognized by the state), or the way we view our family which may be much broader than what the court would consider our legal family, the best way to protect ourselves and our families may be to create a prenuptial agreement.

The agreement can clarify issues and resources most important to our families, instead of letting a court make those decisions for us. We can decide how to best allocate resources and property, whether alimony should be considered, and we can have those conversations when we’re best able to have them without conflict. It’s an opportunity to have the benefits of marriage and also customize our responsibilities to our families and make our own decisions. If you’re already married, you also may want to consider a post-nuptial agreement, which would provide the same benefits of determining the best outcomes for your family.

What is DOMA’s impact? As mentioned in our Nov. 30 Blade article, because of DOMA, there are definite drawbacks for some couples choosing to marry. It’s important to think through how your future might be negatively impacted by choosing to marry and recognize the benefits that won’t be available until DOMA is repealed. There are a number of benefits that same-sex married couples won’t have access to including Social Security spousal or survivor benefits, veteran benefits, federal health insurance, some retirement benefits and death benefits. It also impacts issues like health insurance coverage and a multitude of taxes. The U.S. Supreme Court has decided to hear the Windsor case challenging the federal definition of spouse under DOMA as a man and a woman. A decision is expected in June 2013. This will be a time for re-evaluation.

As we rejoice in this most significant step toward equality in our state, we encourage you to contemplate the impact that choosing to marry might have on you, your partner and your family.  For many couples, it is a good idea to speak to a lawyer first to make sure you are fully informed of all the legal implications while making this important life decision.

Susan Silber and Susan Francis are attorneys at Silber, Perlman, Sigman & Tilev, P.A. and practice in Maryland and D.C. Reach them at silber@sp-law.com and francis@sp-law.com.

 

Advice: The trouble with apps

iPhone, gay news, Washington Blade

(Washington Blade photo by Michael Key)

Dear Michael,

Thank you for recently addressing hookup apps. While your column focused on single people, I want to know if partnered people can healthily use them.

Ben and I have been dating for several years. At first, we were completely monogamous, but Ben began to resent me for keeping him from having sex with others and we broke up.

I came back into the relationship with an “open” mind, but it seems like Ben has more encounters than I do and prefers to use these apps over having sex with me. He is always on his phone when we’re together and it’s making me feel lousy. I feel like others are getting what I don’t have and what I desperately want: good sex and attention from Ben.

I’ve expressed my feelings with him on this before, but I feel like his desires outweigh his concern for my feelings of jealousy, pain and abandonment. Am I overreacting or is he crossing boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed?

 

Michael responds:

For partnered people to healthily have an open relationship/use hookup apps, I would say that all of the following must be in place:

Both partners agree to the open relationship. People often hook up behind their partner’s back. That’s not an open relationship, that’s cheating. Dishonesty does not make for a healthy relationship, which requires mutual respect and deserved trust.

The hookups are not damaging the relationship. You can make a great case for why your partner should not be bothered by your sexcapades, such as “It’s just sex,” “I don’t love/care about the other guys,” “You have no reason to feel threatened” and “everyone I know is on this app.” But there’s no getting around the fact that your partner may still be jealous or hurt. If your partner is bothered by your hookups, they are damaging your relationship.

The hookups are not negatively impacting the partners’ sex life with each other.  Because newness is exciting, a cute guy on an app will probably register as more alluring than your partner of four years. So if you’re sexually bored with your partner, hooking up with app guy may seem like a great, easy way to add excitement and passion to your life.  But going this route makes it unlikely that you will put in an earnest effort to improve sex with your long-term partner. And that’s a big negative impact.

You are able to use the app without getting addicted to it. Good luck avoiding this. As I wrote in my previous column, addiction to hookup apps, once you start using them, is extremely likely, because these apps are inherently addictive.

Handing your question back to you: Do you think that in your relationship, hookup apps are being used in a healthy way?

It is worth your getting clear about why you decided to come back to Ben after breaking up. I do not get any sense that you actually had made your peace with Ben’s desire for a more open relationship, because this issue continues to cause you great distress. Nor, obviously, did the two of you come to any resolution over how to handle this important difference, because it is still a deep fault line down the middle of your relationship.

When you sidestep huge issues, such as how you will structure your relationship, you are just kicking them down the road. Now the day of reckoning is here and you have an important opportunity to figure out your standards around how you do and do not want to live. Is your bottom line a relationship with more together time and less app/hookup time? Letting Ben know what you are willing to live with and what you are not willing to live with will be far more powerful than protesting that your feelings are being hurt or trying to guilt him into changing his behavior, while living with resentment.

But remember that no matter what you would like, Ben may choose to spend as much time on his apps, and hooking up, as he wishes. So you may not get the relationship that you want with Ben.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information in the questions has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Avoid nasty surprises after tying the knot

gay marriage, same-sex marriage, marriage equality, Christopher Roe, Roby Chavez, gay news, Washington Blade

(Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)

By DOUGLAS CHAY

When planning your wedding, don’t forget to plan your marriage. Pre-marital planning includes, but goes beyond, figuring out the mechanics of the marriage. It involves developing a deeper level of personal insight, a better understanding of your finances and of the relationship itself. You can avoid nasty surprises later on by learning about and addressing discrepancies in your and your partner’s expectations for the future before tying the knot. Make sure you discuss the following:

1. Communication: Give yourself and your fiancé permission to discuss concerns even if you’re afraid it will hurt the other’s feelings or result in an argument. Conflict is good. It gives us the opportunity to practice problem solving. Agree on rules for arguing which should include no name-calling, threats or idle ultimatums. When you argue, be honest with yourself about whether your goal is to resolve an issue or win an argument. Avoid mind reading. No matter how convinced you are that you know what your partner is feeling or thinking, you may be wrong. Ask before you react.

2. Intimacy. Determine what combination of emotional and physical intimacy works the best. Develop your friendship and make time for each other. Discuss your expectations of your sexual relationship, including whether both of you want to experiment with new sexual behaviors and if so which ones. Find out how frequently your partner wants sexual contact and what kind (do not base this on how often they ask for it). How about you? Can you reach a compromise if there is a significant discrepancy? Is masturbation OK? Is porn OK? Is leaving your profile on Grindr or Pink Book OK?

3. The Semantics of Marriage. Do you want an “open” relationship? If so, what are the rules? Does marriage=monogamy? What does monogamy mean? I have worked with clients whose definition of monogamy was avoidance of anal or vaginal sex outside of the marriage. Others felt that watching porn was akin to having a full-blown affair. Don’t assume that your partner means the same thing you do when you use these terms. Talk.

4. Outness. Being in the closet while you are married carries different implications than being closeted while single. If you are married, your level of “outness” affects not only your spouse, but also the two families and networks of friends that you married into. You no longer can claim that your sexual orientation is nobody else’s business. If you plan to remain closeted indefinitely, you are implicitly asking your spouse to step back into the closet with you.

5. Tasks. Marriages involve a significant amount of grunt work. Paying bills, mowing the lawn, vacuuming, cooking, chopping wood, etc. Identify the tasks and agree to a fair distribution. Be flexible in changing who does what as circumstances change.

6. Finances. Would it matter to you if your spouse wanted a separate bank account? Do you want a prenuptial agreement? Would it work better to have multiple accounts or one? Discuss how decisions will be made for large purchases, who manages the money and how to deal with income disparities. What is a “fair” financial split between a spouse whose earns 50 percent less than the other? Does one feel guilty or resentful for earning less or more money? What happens if one becomes unemployed?

7. Emotional Baggage: While growing up many of us learn to hide certain emotions, and/or limit their expression. As adults, if we continue to suppress or compartmentalize them, they come out unexpectedly, usually directed at the “safest” person in our lives: our spouse. Not coincidentally, this is the person you least want to hurt. If this sounds familiar, discuss it, take responsibility, and get help to fix it. As long as your spouse sees you making an effort, she/he will be more likely to be patient and recognize these behaviors for what they are: part of the baggage that we all bring to our relationships.

Douglas Chay is director of the Pride Counseling Center in Columbia, Md. He is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators. Reach him at pridecounseling.net or dchay@pridecounseling.net, 410-744-4867.

Advice: Valentine blue

young happy gay couple relaxing, gay news, Washington Blade

(Photo courtesy Bigstock)

Dear Michael,

Valentine’s Day is approaching and I’m already miserable. This happens every year. The cards, candy, flowers and restaurant specials all make me feel like a loser because I’m not in a relationship (and have not been for a long time, despite trying hard to meet someone special). I’m lonely and sick of spending time with coupled friends who constantly talk about “we.” It’s like the whole world is saying that there’s something wrong with me because I’m not partnered. My friends tell me that it’s actually really hard to be in a relationship, and that they envy my freedom. Please. They get to go home at night to someone who loves them and take vacations/have sex/dine/watch movies with someone they love. I’m depressed and feel like I am being cheated out of a good life.  The most exciting thing I go home with regularly is a pint of ice cream. Any advice for how to keep going or why?

Michael responds:

I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. Know that you are not alone. All of us are told that we have to be in a relationship to have a worthwhile life. This is the subliminal message of nearly every movie, TV show and song, reinforced by family, friends and society at large. We all hear it and most of us believe it.

Here’s what you can do to stop feeling like a loser.

For starters, please recognize that you are being brainwashed by a seemingly romantic belief (“you’re nobody till somebody loves you”) that is actually toxic.

Your value as a human being is unrelated to whether you are partnered and your life does not have to be meaningless because you are not in a relationship. In fact, it’s your belief that you are being cheated that is actually ruining your life, because it is keeping you miserable.

It isn’t easy to change long-standing beliefs, but with effort, it is very doable:  Start to monitor your thoughts. Whenever you find yourself thinking that you’re pathetic because you’re single, talk back to that belief, just as you would talk back to a part of yourself that believed you were worthless because you’re gay.

Keep in mind that a new way of thinking actually generates new connections in your brain that make it easier, over time, to keep thinking in that new groove. So, you must relentlessly challenge your self criticism, until over time it recedes.

To give yourself some ammunition against the idea that you are worthless without a mate, you need to take steps right now to make your life one that is really worth living, rather than keeping your life on pause until a partner appears. Here is the question to ask yourself: What can I do that will give my life meaning?

If your present interests don’t go further than a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, push yourself to develop some that are more fulfilling and give you a feeling of accomplishment. Remember: You may only live once, so start doing what you would really love to do, even if you do it on your own. The enjoyment and gratification you get may well outweigh your feelings of loneliness.

Find ways to break your isolation. You might adopt a pet, make new friends if you pursue a new interest or even spend time with your current friends. If you’re making the most of your own life, the coupled status of others is likely to bother you less. Yes, those things will at times feel like poor substitutes for a mate, but that doesn’t mean they won’t bring you their own kind of joy as well. They’ll also make you less inclined to look at what’s missing.

Are you taking care of yourself?  Keep in mind that without exercise or proper nutrition, your spirits will sink further and you will endanger your health. Please start getting some aerobic exercise to improve your mood (walking is excellent and will get you out of the house), and add omega-3 and vitamin D to your diet (both may play a role in decreasing depression).

Should you take on these challenges, you will have a more satisfying, vibrant life, whether or not you meet a partner with whom to share it. And I hope you do find that person.

One more point: if you are having trouble getting out of your hopelessness and loneliness on your own, please consider working with a skilled therapist.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist who works with gay individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information in the questions has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Advice: Too needy?

man, bed, gay news, Washington Blade

(Photo courtesy of iStock)

Dear Michael,

I love my boyfriend Alan more than anything. If it were up to me I would spend all our free time together — I feel safe and happy when I’m with him. But I’m afraid I’m pushing him away. He tells me that he feels smothered a lot of the time and I don’t know what I can do to change this. I am always careful not to push myself on him too much, because he makes it clear that he likes his space. I usually let him be the one to make plans. But somehow he is picking up on my vibe and tells me that I seem needy.

I suppose I am needy — I hate being alone. Growing up I was an outcast and I was so relieved when I met my first boyfriend in freshman year of college. We were together for six years and when he broke up with me, I was miserable. I hated being alone again and went on a lot of first dates looking for Mr. Right. When Alan came along, it seemed too good to be true. We have so much in common and were really attracted to each other. Lately, sex is falling off a lot as I feel he is pushing me away. I’m so scared of being alone again and would do anything to make this work. Do you have any pointers for what I can do to avoid losing this relationship?

Michael replies:

Alan is somehow picking up on an issue that you will be very well served to tackle. When you look to another person to be your main source of safety and happiness, you are putting yourself in a very shaky position. There is no guarantee that the other person will always be there. Even if he does stay, it’s inevitable that at some point he will not want to play this role.

That is what is happening in your relationship now. You believe that you need to be with Alan to feel OK, and not coincidentally, Alan wants distance. As long as you believe that you need Alan, you will remain scared. And you will continue to put a lot of excess weight on the relationship, wanting Alan to hold you up.

You ask for pointers to avoid losing this relationship. I understand how important it is for you not to be alone, but the most important point to focus on is shifting the foundation of your well being from Alan to yourself. If you can develop the ability to tolerate standing on your own and ultimately enjoy the strength of doing so, you may build a resilient relationship with Alan. Even if you and Alan part, you will be in a better position to be in a future relationship, because a stronger partner makes for a stronger relationship. Most important, if you can learn to provide yourself with a sense of well-being rather than looking to another person, you will be a far more solid and secure guy.  If you don’t work on this issue, you will continue to be on shaky ground in your relationships.

Are you wondering how to become a more independent, stable man? You might start spending some time on your own, and with people other than Alan, pursuing things that give you enjoyment, fulfillment and a sense of well-being. Doing so will help you to start constructing a self that can stand alone, separate from the self that is all wrapped up with Alan, and will reduce the pressure that you are putting on your relationship.

Keep in mind that when you try new behaviors, it is normal to feel scared and anxious. When this happens (and it will), make the conscious decision to calm yourself rather than letting your feelings overwhelm you. You might talk back to your fear, reassuring yourself that you will get though the experience and grow from it. Or, you might meditate: simply focusing your attention on breathing in and out, gently bringing your attention back to your breathing whenever your mind wanders to fearful or anxious thoughts, is a great way to build your ability to tolerate discomfort.

Of course, this isn’t only about you. I’m sure that Alan has his own issues that influence how he handles closeness and distance. Nonetheless, there’s much useful work to do on your side. A lifetime of experiences have led you to fear being alone and you haven’t yet worked at standing on your own. Alan’s unhappiness is giving you the opportunity to become a much stronger person. Good luck, and please remember that you can achieve big changes with time and consistent effort.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Advice: Is love enough

two women, Lesbian, gay news, Washington Blade

(Photo courtesy iStock)

Dear Michael,

I’ve been married for almost two years and love my wife very much but I’m also unhappy and not sure I want to stay in our relationship.

When we met, Diane had been working in a pretty undemanding, 9-5 job that she got right out of college and was planning to go on to law school. But since we got married she has changed her mind and just wants to stay where she is. I’m sad that she doesn’t want to challenge herself and that she isn’t as ambitious as I am. Sometimes I am a little embarrassed when we’re with friends, pretty much all successful, talking about our careers, and she doesn’t have much to say. Also, the kinds of dreams we’ve discussed (nice house, travel, being able to take time off to raise kids) don’t seem as feasible if she’s low on the earning ladder. I think she’s not keeping her end of the deal and although I try not to let it bother me, I sometimes get mad and don’t even want to be close to her. So our sex life is suffering, too.

I have told Diane how I feel but it hasn’t made a difference. She says that she likes her job and the people she works with and that her life suits her fine. She says we can do all the things we dream of doing even if she stays where she is, but I don’t think that’s realistic and I think it’s unfair that I should have to be the one who works really hard to make a good enough living for us to have the lifestyle we both want.

Should I look for someone who wants to be an equal partner with me? Aside from this, Diane is a great person and has the biggest heart in the world.

Michael replies:

Let’s start with the big picture. You love Diane, but she’s not meeting your expectations and you believe she has reneged on the plan you made together.

Whether we like it or not, people change, not always in ways that we welcome.  Of course, when our partners change, it affects us, but that doesn’t mean we get to decide how they’ll change. You can’t insist that Diane do what you want her to do. What you can decide is whether or not you are willing to live with Diane as she is.

This crisis is an opportunity to get clear on what is most important to you. Do you want a power partner more than you want the Diane you are with? If so, you might decide to end your relationship, because you have no guarantee that Diane will ever become the ambitious woman you would like.

Of course, even if you find someone who seems like a better fit, you may run into the same problem down the road, as you can always count on people changing in unpredictable ways. And then you will be in the same predicament in which you now find yourself. So you may decide that it is worth staying with Diane and her big heart. If you stay, you would benefit from finding a way to do so without resentment, because resenting your partner is a great way to have a miserable relationship. Then the question is: How do you stay with a person who is disappointing you in some important way?

The answer is that you actually don’t have a choice, if you want to be in a relationship. Sooner or later, anyone you are with will let you down, in large and small ways, because all people are different and at times will have very different priorities. It follows that if you’re going to be in a long-term relationship, you must learn to tolerate major disappointment. And Diane is giving you a great opportunity to figure out how to be close to, love and be sexual with someone who is letting you down.

Pay attention to how you let the actions and views of others affect you. My take is that you base your self-esteem to some degree on what you and your friends think of your wife’s level of ambition, rather than having your sense of self come from how you feel about yourself and your choices.

Finally, keep in mind that you’re probably not the only one in your relationship who’s disappointed in her spouse. I can imagine that Diane may be let down by your greater focus on career, by your expectations of her and even by your disappointment in her. Neither of you is “right,” of course. You each have your views of how you want to live your life and what sort of partner you want to be with. If you’re going to be coupled, you will both have to figure out when you can yield, when to hold firm and how to honor what is most important to both of you.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

Advice: Same old boring sex?

unhappy couple, advice, gay news, Washington Blade

Our Advice columnist says that closing an open relationship may be key to reigniting the dying fire in the bedroom. (Photo by iStock)

Hi Michael,I’m writing this letter with my husband because we both pretty much feel the same way.

Can you keep a sexual relationship interesting when you’ve been together for a while? Because it’s not happening for us anymore. We both are way more attracted to other (hot) guys than we are to each other and sex with them is a lot steamier than sex with each other. It’s also easier and hotter to get off with a hot porn scene than with my husband.

We went into this relationship with great ideals about monogamy and wanting to stay together forever. But our intimate relationship got dull over time and we both wanted more heat and passion.

Now, when we have plenty of good/great sex with other people but none with each other, we’re feeling like we may have lost something special. While we want to stay together as a couple, without sex we’re sort of like roommates. We also don’t want to have boring sex for the rest of our lives and sex with each other got pretty boring a while ago.

From what we hear from almost all our gay friends, this is extremely common: lackluster sex leading to open relationships. But what do you do about the downside, which is a marriage where we don’t feel that intimately connected any more?

Michael replies:

You are in a pretty common dilemma for gay men. Maybe because it’s been more acceptable for gay men to have sex outside of their relationships than it is for straight people to do so. This fix for a dull sex life is easier and more obvious than figuring out how to have a good sex life as a couple. The downside, of course, is that when you’re having lackluster (or worse) sex with your partner and hot sex with other men, your relationship is going to suffer.

It is true that sex is usually more exciting with someone when you first meet him.  And it’s normal for the heat and intensity to cool over time. However, it’s a myth that sex and lust must inevitably dwindle as your relationship matures. While sex cannot stay the same, it absolutely does not have to fade away. The thrill of sex with a long-term partner is different from the thrill of sex with a new partner. It usually leans more toward closeness and connection.

If you want to resurrect a passionate sex life with your husband, you do have to work at it. Here are some steps to take:

First, consider closing your relationship. Yes, I know this is an unpopular stance that some say is impossible, but when you can easily have hot sex with another man, why would you bother putting in the effort needed to have hot sex with your long-term partner?

Second, I suggest that you end (gasp!) your use of porn, for several reasons. Porn sets a very high bar in your brain for what is attractive and hot. Repeated use of porn to reach orgasm can make it exceedingly difficult to reach orgasm without porn, because you’ve re-set your arousal threshold to a very high level that may not be achievable in real life. And porn programs your brain to focus on having an orgasm as opposed to having relational sex with another imperfect human being.

Third, work at finding ways to nurture romance and affection, rather than taking each other for granted, or worse.

Fourth, find ways to make sex interesting by making it your job, not your partner’s, to turn yourself on. A great way to do this is by taking risks. Just as complacency is a great desire killer, uncertainty can be a great turn-on. Step out of your comfort zone and let your husband know you better as a sexual being. Talk about what you like to do or have done to you, as well as what you don’t like. Make a move that you are not comfortable making, but want to make. Intend to have sex with your husband as you have sex with a stranger. Letting your husband really see you sexually can be scary, but also erotic.

Finally, make the conscious decision to reduce your focus on orgasm, which puts pressure on both of you to “perform” rather than enjoying the entirety of your sensual, emotional and physical connection with each other.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.