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Dwindling desire

relationship, gay news, Washington Blade

How about sex for emotional connection? Sex for attachment? Sex for closeness? Sex to celebrate just being together?

Dear Michael,

 

Valentine’s Day is here and I’m going to be celebrating with my partner of 15 years. We’ll go out for an intimate dinner and then … nothing. While our friends see us as the perfect couple — and in many ways we are — we never have sex anymore. We have a beautiful home, a garden, two children and a dog; enjoy snuggling on the couch while we watch a movie and cooking together; have lots to talk about, and are best friends; but the spark has been gone for some time.

Is there any way around this? We’re not eager to open our relationship because we’re fearful of how it might affect our marriage and our family. We both miss sex and certainly find other people attractive. In fact, we find each other attractive — we’re both in great shape. But having sex somehow clashes with our relationship. I know this may sound crazy, but it seems strange to even think about being sexual with someone I love so much and feel so close to.

Any ideas?

 

Michael replies:

 

The big message we get from our culture is that sex should stay as hot as it was when we initially got together with our partner. The implicit lesson is that something is wrong if we stop feeling that huge thrill.

But sex does change after you’ve been with your partner for a while. You can’t keep feeling the same sizzling excitement that you felt when you first met, because the newness is gone. Newness is what generates a lot of the sexual heat at the outset of a relationship.

This does seem like a major design flaw in our brains, if we’re interested in forming a long-term relationship. It’s almost cosmically funny that the more we invest in a relationship, the closer we get, and the more we love each other, the less spontaneous sexual attraction we may feel toward our partner.

Whatever the biological reasons for this, it’s up to each of us to figure out some way to generate long-term excitement around sex with our partner if we want to stay together, long term.

The first step is to accept reality: sex is not going to naturally be as steamy and irresistible as it was at the beginning. We all might take some time to mourn that loss, because easy steamy irresistibility is a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it is totally glorified in our culture as the gold standard of sex.

But it is just one way to have sex. And if you want a lasting monogamous relationship that includes sex, as opposed to having affairs, or a career of serial monogamy, you are going to have to discover a new way to have sex and a new meaning for sex in your relationship.

How about sex for emotional connection? Sex for attachment? Sex for closeness?  Sex to celebrate just being together?

Not to say that sex in a long-term relationship cannot be recreational or high-intensity. But expecting that the sex must always be hot in order to be worthwhile will lead you to be contemptuous of much of the sex that you have in your LTR. Not a helpful stance!

Another point for you to consider: as couples get closer, sex may start to feel like too much closeness, and avoiding sex may be a way to keep some useful distance. If I were working with you both, I would want to explore how much each of you are really standing on your own as two separate individuals who are in a relationship with each other, versus being enmeshed, with your feelings and reactions all tangled up with each other. While enmeshment may sound appealing, and is easy to fall into when you are building a life and a family together, it takes the oxygen out of a relationship, leaving people feeling smothered and wanting their space. One likely outcome: no sex. An experienced couples therapist can help you sort this out.

Finally, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned, resurrecting a sex life with your partner is bound to seem awkward. But it’s a damaging myth that great sex should just happen. There is nothing odd or unromantic about planning to have sex. I encourage you both to make this effort, and to expect things to be uncomfortable at the outset.

Good luck to the two of you. Thanks for writing about this important and very common issue and happy Valentine’s Day!

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

12
Feb
2014

Don’t sweat the small stuff?

dirty dishes, chores, cleaning, gay news, Washington Blade

How do you get out of constantly fighting over the dishes?

Hi Michael,

 

My husband and I are having a horrible ongoing fight. Its epicenter is the ever-present pile of dirty dishes sitting in the kitchen sink or partially loaded into the dishwasher.

We are both busy professionals and often have different schedules so we can’t always eat together. When I’m in a hurry to make some breakfast or dinner, it’s exasperating to discover that the pan I need is soaking, or that there are no clean spoons or forks.

I’ve asked Bill repeatedly to be more considerate of me. He makes promises but they don’t materialize. Although this may seem like a small issue, I feel he is constantly disrespecting me by not keeping his word and so there are a lot of bad feelings.

I’m not even going to get into the laundry situation, but it’s similar.

We agreed to write you together, so here’s his version:

I can’t believe that David is so bent out of shape by this. I think he’s exaggerating when he says there are no clean utensils and also when he says I don’t keep my promises.  I do ultimately get the dishes into the dishwasher and run it. But like David, I have an extremely demanding job and some important extracurricular obligations. And sometimes I have to get out before I have time to finish cleaning up to his specifications by his deadline.

David has way stricter standards than I do — he is really a neat freak — and I think he should learn to compromise. I certainly have become way more attentive to cleaning up since we first moved in together. I may not be on his exact timeframe, but I do a pretty good job. How we do chores seems like an absurd reason to have tension in a relationship, much less consider divorce, but his constant carping is getting to me and the bad days are starting to outnumber the good.

Obviously, we see things very differently.  How do we settle this?

 

Michael replies:

 

You’re not alone. In my practice, I see couples go at it all the time over dishes, laundry, vacuuming and cleaning. And I tell them what I will now tell you: While you may have your preferred way of keeping the house and your preferred timeframe for doing so, your husband isn’t going to simply agree with you. Arguing about it will get you nowhere except further into a state of war.

So how do you get out of constantly fighting over the dishes?

First, the big picture. If you want to have a relationship that is generally loving, respectful and peaceful, keep these points at the forefront of your mind at all times:

• You and your partner will often have different ways of thinking, acting and seeing things. That’s life. There’s nothing to be gained by seeing your way as right and his way as wrong.

• Your spouse will regularly push your buttons, big time, simply by having a different point of view. Find a way to have a sense of humor about this if you want a better shot at enjoying your relationship, including the challenging parts. You may also find it useful to remember that people grow when they learn to live with things that are not perfect!

Now, about those dishes. If you want to go forward in your marriage with good feelings rather than bitterness, both of you have to find a way to negotiate around chores and other disagreements in good faith. The key components to doing so: strive to always be honest and respectful; work to influence your partner by explaining why you want what you want, rather than by strong-arming him or shaming him over his preferences; and keep your word when you commit to doing something, even if you don’t want to do it. These are simple concepts, but hard to practice consistently. It’s hard work to live up-close with someone who is profoundly different from you.

I do wonder if you are each holding fast to your position simply because you want to be the guy calling the shots rather than the guy being told what to do. If so, make it your practice to remind yourself that you have committed to building a life together.  Regularly ask yourself: how can I be collaborative? What am I willing to tolerate living with, or without, in order to share my life with my husband?

It can be quite difficult to turn your critical lens from your spouse to yourself, to go from thinking he is the problem to wondering what you can do to work together. If you remain stuck, please find a skilled couples therapist. Dirty dishes are no reason to have a miserable relationship.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

25
Feb
2014

Is poly a relationship cracker?

poly, polyamory, gay news, Washington Blade

Sweeping potential deal-breaker issues under the rug will haunt you later.

Dear Michael,

 

I’ve been with my wife Carol for seven years and she told me from the start that she considered herself polyamorous. This was a little outside my comfort zone but given that she wasn’t involved with anyone else, I didn’t really worry about it and kept dating her. We fell in love and ultimately got married.

We now have a 2-year old daughter. Carol has been seeing her new girlfriend Julie with increasing frequency for the past six months and now she wants to start spending one night a week at Julie’s place.

I’m unhappy for a few reasons. I think it’s presumptuous that I should regularly have to take care of our daughter alone. We’re supposed to be a family unit and I don’t know how I’d explain to my daughter where “Mommy Carol” is one night a week. And Carol’s regular absence from my life — because she’s dating another woman — is already damaging our relationship and making me jealous.

Carol says I came into this relationship with my eyes open. True, but I didn’t imagine the potential problems when I said “yes.” She also says that I should be happy that she’s having a wonderful connection with Julie and that if I would stop being bitter, her greater fulfillment in life would enrich our relationship. I think this is major self-serving B.S. Finally, she offers to give me a regular “night off” where I can leave all the childcare to her. But I like being home with our daughter and don’t want a “night off” — I just don’t want to be left alone with all the responsibility once a week while she is off having sex with another woman.

Is there some way to compromise? Because right now it’s hard to see myself staying in this marriage, and I strongly suspect that Carol feels the same way.

 

Michael replies:

 

The two of you have some difficult territory ahead.

It sounds as if you both have gotten into a “my-way-or-the-highway” situation.  What’s needed is for you and Carol to take a serious look at what’s important to each of you and to have a frank discussion where you listen to your spouse with curiosity.

Given that you and Carol had very different feelings about polyamory from the get-go, it would have been useful to have spoken in depth about what a poly lifestyle might mean to both of you before you married and certainly before you had your daughter. However, it’s not too late to talk together about what you each value most, as a first step toward figuring out how to go forward.

You may ultimately decide that you cannot stay in a relationship where your spouse is involved with another woman. But divorce is not a decision to be made impulsively just because you’ve hit gridlock. Especially because you have a young child together, there’s an awful lot at stake in finding a way to preserve your marriage if this is possible. Divorce is usually very tough on children.

Some questions for you to consider: What would it take for you to want to stay in this marriage? Can you tolerate Carol’s other relationship if she foregoes her sleepovers?  Or do you really only want a monogamous relationship?

Another question: Have you and Carol ever considered any rules or boundaries that might allow both of you to be content in your marriage? Such agreements are sometimes helpful, although they are not a guarantee of anything, and people often change their minds about what they are willing to tolerate.

From your description, neither of you is going to get everything you want. But that’s always the case. Marriage pushes us to figure out what’s most important to us. Try to find a way to be open minded and respectful of each other’s preferences for how you want to live your lives. Remember that blaming your partner for inflexibility isn’t going to lead her to shift in your direction.

Because you have some complex work to do, consider working with a skilled couples therapist who can help you and Carol to figure out how to do your best here and to see if it is possible to collaborate on your future. Good luck in finding a way forward.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

26
Mar
2014

Paths to pleasure

pleasure, men, gay news, Washington Blade

“I feel like I’m getting old and missing out if I’m not taking advantage of all the pleasure that I could enjoy. You only live once.”

Dear Michael,

 

I was intrigued by your Valentine’s Day column featuring the long-term couple who aren’t having sex anymore. I’m in a similar boat with my husband of 12 years, where we don’t have much sex and don’t do much when we do have sex (porn movies and mutual masturbation). To be honest, I hook up with other guys from time to time at the gym and I’m pretty sure Mark does too.  It’s far hotter and more exciting than the same old same old.

 

You suggest that couples should accept that sex with the same person loses some of its steaminess as time goes by and that we should focus on enjoying the other aspects of sex, like emotional connection and closeness.

 

My problem with this is when I don’t hook up, I’m jealous of the hotter sex that I hear my single (and some partnered) friends are having. There are so many gorgeous guys out there and life is short. I feel like I’m getting old and missing out if I’m not taking advantage of all the pleasure that I could enjoy. You only live once. It’s hard to just enjoy the warmth and coziness of ho-hum sex in my marriage when I could be out there screwing my brains out with some amazing guy, like I constantly hear my friends are doing. And yet, I love Mark and want to stay with him.

 

I feel like I’m going crazy over this and sometimes I’m really bummed about not getting the good stuff that others are enjoying.

 

Michael replies:

 

You are facing a few tough, inter-related dilemmas.

First, the FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) factor: Many gay men place a heavy emphasis on sex (think Grindr and similar apps). There’s nothing wrong with pursuing or enjoying sex, but when lots of sex/multiple partners is the standard of success in your circle and you believe you’re not meeting that standard, it’s easy to feel like you’re missing out. Even a guy who isn’t interested in pursuing high-volume sex may feel like a loser for following his own path.

Second, our entire culture glorifies youth and disparages aging and gay men are not immune to this outlook. The white-hot sex of a new connection is associated with youth, just as the inevitable decrease of this sort of sex in an ongoing relationship is associated with aging. Most of us don’t like the idea of getting older and letting go of youthful abilities and pleasures, so we glorify and chase intense sex while looking down on the less scorching sex that we’re more likely to have with a long-term mate. Who wants to give up on the prospect of hot sex?

Third, if you make the choice to be in a monogamous relationship, you are definitely going to miss out on possibly steamy sex with other guys. But if you are in a relationship and have outside sex, jealousy may sour your marriage, one of you may leave for a seemingly hotter prospect, the time and attention you spend on hookups may erode your connection with your spouse and the secrecy, if you are not open about what you are doing, may create distance. Also the quality and quantity of sex at home may decline as you put in less effort.

The truth is, aging is inevitable and we can’t have everything. What we can do is decide what’s most important to us and go for it.

Toward this end, figure out whether you want to keep looking for outside encounters so that you don’t miss out or whether you want to really make the best of the relationship you are in. I don’t think you can do both. Should you choose the latter, here’s a question: If you’re so bored sexually, why are you and Mark settling for merely jerking off together to porn? Couldn’t you find something more exciting to do together?

People have all kinds of reasons why they stop having good sex with their partners. The one that I hear most often in my practice is, “It shouldn’t take work.  Something must be wrong if we don’t spontaneously want to have sex.” But the truth is, nothing is wrong. It’s inevitable that the excitement of newness fades, but it is not inevitable that you have to stop having sex when it does. Nor does long-term sex have to be dull, unless you believe that it does and put no effort into making it worth having.

If you and Mark stay together and stay bored, please find a skilled couples therapist to help you find a way to have more cozy, intimate, connected sex that is even occasionally hot! Good luck.

 

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

08
Apr
2014

Deal breaker or game changer?

close, angry gay couple, gay news, Washington Blade

(Photo by iStock)

Michael,

 

My husband, whom I have been with for 16 years, has been cheating on me.  I found out accidentally through a mis-sent text.  This has been going on for at least several months. I am heartbroken, angry and feel totally betrayed.

Dan says that his relationship with Bill meant nothing except fun sex. He swears it’s over and that he really wants to stay with me. But he also says that he sometimes just wants to have sex with someone else and that he thinks monogamy is unrealistic. That said, he says he will try to be monogamous if I insist on it as a prerequisite to staying in the relationship.

Well, I know that I do not want to have an open relationship. But I wonder if I am being realistic to expect that two men can really have a monogamous relationship. I also have no idea how to trust Dan if we stay together.

Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.

 

Michael replies:

 

Two men can have a monogamous relationship if they want to. The question is, does Dan really want to?

Relationships push people to figure out what’s most important to them. Dan has an opportunity to decide if he would rather be with you and be monogamous or end the marriage and enjoy playing the field. Just as you face the decision of leaving Dan or tolerating his hooking up from time to time.

These decisions may be excruciatingly hard for each of you to make. No one else can tell either of you what to do. Before deciding, talk together about why monogamy is important for you and about what Dan feels he would be giving up and why he might not want to commit to monogamy. The more you understand each other’s position, the more thoughtful a decision you can come to.

If you’re hoping to trust that Dan won’t hurt you again, know that it’s inevitable that people hurt each other from time to time in relationships. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.

If you’re hoping to trust that Dan will never lie to you again, understand that you can’t know for sure. Has he explained to you why he didn’t tell you about his affair? Did he think it would hurt you or did he want to avoid your asking him to choose between outside sex and marriage? Knowing his reasoning might help the two of you figure out what it would take to have an honest relationship in the future, if you both want this.

Some questions for you: Can you count on yourself to start paying closer attention going forward to what you are seeing, hearing and sensing, so that you are more likely to know if Dan steps out again? As a matter of self-protection, that would be a very good skill to have. If you’re not good at picking up on what’s really happening, how could you get better at this?

While being a great husband is no guarantee that your partner won’t cheat on you, can you identify any part you might have played in Dan’s decision to step out? Is there anything you might do to make it less likely that he’ll hook up with someone else if you stay married? Were you doing your best to keep your relationship and your sex life vibrant? Any big or bitter conflicts that you’ve been sweeping under the rug?

Because you’ve had a bad shock, give yourself some time before making any big decisions. While your anger and heartbreak are unlikely to disappear, you’re more likely to think clearly about your future when everything is less raw. If you decide to find a therapist to help you decide how to move forward, seek out someone who will not demonize Dan. That would not be helpful to your healing or to the possibility of your staying in your marriage.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

23
Apr
2014

The risk factor

fisting, fist, gloves, gay news, Washington Blade

If you are determined to fist and your partner isn’t interested and he does not want to open the relationship, you are indeed facing a dealbreaker issue. (Photo by Bigstock)

Michael,

 

Your recent advice to the fisting top whose boyfriend wasn’t interested left me with mixed feelings.

On one hand, I like your drawing a line between saying, “This is important to me” as a way to make a request of your partner versus “you are obligated to participate.” But your seeming to lay down an ultimatum of “if your partner isn’t willing to join you, you have to either do without or end the relationship” perplexed me.

What about trying to negotiate an arrangement like “we’re an exclusive couple, except you can go to fisting parties every month or so, with the following ground rules”?

This might not be a workable solution for everybody — it does require a lot of time, communication and trust — but I’d hate to see an otherwise rewarding relationship fail because the parties didn’t have the tools or skills to think outside the box with regard to negotiation. Fisting is a fairly niche activity (and one that’s incredibly low-risk for a knowledgeable and responsible top) that there’s a world of difference between “I want to do this activity in a way we can both be OK with, which might involve casual outside partners” and “let’s go crazy and have an open relationship.”

 

Michael replies:

 

If you are determined to fist and your partner isn’t interested and he does not want to open the relationship, you are indeed facing a dealbreaker issue. If he does agree to your fisting other people, then of course you can go for it. But be aware that you might run into some hazards. Here are three big ones that people who open their relationships frequently encounter:

First, no matter how casual the sex you are having outside of your relationship or how unconnected you plan to be with outside sex partners, you may get interested in guys other than your boyfriend. It’s usually exciting to have sex in ways that you don’t have it at home and new sex partners are often a big turn-on. The result: sex with your long-term guy may start to seem bland, leading your thoughts and fantasies elsewhere. Where might that take you?

Second, although it may seem logical to both you and your partner that he shouldn’t feel threatened or jealous of your having sex with other people, especially if you are pursuing some sort of sexual activity that he doesn’t want to engage in with you, he may still ultimately get upset. Our feelings aren’t logical and if you’re spending time hooking up with others, your partner may wind up feeling hurt and angry, no matter what your agreement.

Third, even if you set limits on how often you are having outside sex, you’re still going to be putting energy and excitement into encounters with other guys rather than into life with your partner. This is usually not a recipe for maintaining a hot sex life or a strong relationship at home.

I get your point that a person in this situation might have a limited interaction with the guys he’s fisting, but it’s also true that fisting — just like negotiating with one’s primary partner — requires time, communication and trust, three main ingredients of bonding. So you may wind up developing a powerful bond with one of these guys. And then what?

Opening your relationship can seem like a fantastic way to have great sex that you aren’t having with your partner. But no matter how many rules you have in place, outside sex may put your relationship in a vulnerable spot. Before making such a move, I suggest you discuss two questions with your partner: Is hot sex with someone else worth the risk?  And can we have sex with other people while still nurturing and strengthening our relationship?

Finally, keep in mind that no matter how much planning or thinking you do beforehand, you can’t know in advance how things will turn out.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

15
Jan
2014

The elusive search

life partner, holding hands, love, same-sex, gay, gay news, Washington Blade

It’s difficult to stop wanting something that you want. The best you can do is strive to create a rich and satisfying life, while accepting the existential reality that none of us will get everything we would like, no matter how much we might yearn. (Photo by Till Krech; courtesy Wikimedia Commons)

Dear Michael:

 

I’m a well-educated man in my 50s, successful, healthy and active, with a handful of good friends. I’ve always wanted a life partner and it hasn’t happened. It hasn’t even come close to happening.

Looking back, there are two guys with whom I wish things might have worked out. My most successful romantic relationship was with a man who lived in another country, so I could only see him a few times a year for short periods. He said up-front that he was basically straight and that I was one of only two guys in his whole life he’d ever been with. He was a workaholic, so it didn’t seem to bother him that I wasn’t around.  I saw him under those conditions for a decade until he met a woman he wanted to marry, a few years back. Now there isn’t even anyone on the horizon.

How do I stop wanting to have a life partner? I can’t make it happen. I’ve spent decades trying to “let it happen” and frankly, I know it’s just not going to happen. But I still want it. I’ve done the “friends of friends” route, the ad in the newspaper route, the dating site route, the chatting someone up in the gay bookstore route, etc. If there’s a way to try that I haven’t attempted, I don’t know what that way is.

Maybe I’m just fooling myself, but I think I’d have everything if I had a special someone in my life. How do I stop wanting something I know isn’t going to happen?

 

Michael replies:

 

It’s difficult to stop wanting something that you want. The best you can do is strive to create a rich and satisfying life, as you’ve done, while accepting the existential reality that none of us will get everything we would like, no matter how much we might yearn.

Regarding your yearning for a close romantic relationship, my educated guess is that you actually have mixed feelings about letting that happen. You chose to spend about a third of your adult life in a quasi-relationship with a workaholic guy who lived in another country and told you he was straight.

Before you give up on the possibility of having a relationship, it is well worth your taking a close look at what may be getting in your way. If you were my client, I would want to know:

• By being alone, what might you be protecting yourself from?

• Who may have let you down in a big way earlier in life, leaving you unwilling to risk being hurt again?

• How might it serve you to think that situations and people may become something they’re not?

• What might be appealing about pining for something you don’t have, although you say that you wish to stop doing so?

If you want a shot at a future relationship, also look at how you think about yourself and potential romantic partners. Notwithstanding all you say you’ve tried in order to find a mate, you spent 10 years on an unavailable guy’s back burner. So, I encourage you to wonder:

• How do you feel about yourself?

• What do you think you have to offer as a partner?

• Do you believe that you really deserve to have what you say you want?

• Is it possible that you are rejecting men who are interested in you? That you are drawn to men who reject you?

I also suggest you consider whether you have a special affinity for supposedly straight men. Although I have data on only one of your significant relationships, I wonder if you may be harboring some less-than-positive feelings toward openly gay men, at least as potential romantic/sexual partners. If so, you’re vastly increasing your odds of winding up without a mate.

None of these questions have easy or quick answers. Therefore, if any of them resonate with you, please look for a good therapist to help you figure out how to increase the likelihood of finding a special guy for your future. I wish you the best.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

29
Jan
2014

Crystal catch-22

crystal meth, methamphetamine, gay news, Washington Blade, drugs

Crystal meth (Photo by Radspunk via Wikimedia Commons)

Dear Michael,

I’ve been with Karl for three years and we’ve always partied occasionally, mainly with crystal meth. Our using has always seemed under control — we don’t do it every week and it’s been easy to have fun sometimes and still maintain our successful lives.

I’ve gotten concerned lately for a few reasons. We’re using more often — every weekend — and it’s started to affect my workweek. A few times recently, I’ve called in sick on Mondays after a weekend of partying. Also, I think our sex life is being affected.  We never seem to have sex anymore unless we’re high and usually with a third person.  The sex is really hot but I’d like to have some times where we’re not high and it’s just us.  Yet when I’ve tried to initiate sober sex, Karl isn’t interested and also, I can’t get aroused, which worries me.

I’ve suggested to Karl that we reduce our use. He says we don’t have a problem.  How do couples handle this sort of thing? I don’t see how I can stop on my own without really messing up our relationship, but Karl has made it clear he doesn’t want to stop.

Michael replies:

Many people who use crystal meth recreationally find themselves in the same situation as you and Karl. At first it feels great and you believe you have it under control.  Then it starts to impact your life, perhaps in seemingly small ways at first, but then more and more. As the situation starts to spin out of control, you and your partner may wind up in two very different places.

There are a couple of angles from which to look at your dilemma.

First, what are the consequences if you don’t stop on your own? While Karl says that the two of you don’t have a problem, you are clear that you do. As you are finding, crystal meth use escalates over time because meth is such an addictive drug. And as use escalates, the consequences grow more severe. You could very easily lose your savings, your home, your friends, your health and even your life.

Second, you are concerned about messing up your relationship if you stop using.  But what sort of relationship can you have if you continue to use? Because crystal meth sabotages your ability to stay grounded in reality, you can’t possibly have the dedication, focus, commitment or connection necessary to participate in your relationship if you are using.

Third, you cannot get your partner to stop using if he does not want to stop. So you are facing a difficult decision: either continue to use with Karl or stop using and face the consequences of this decision. It’s very difficult for one person to stay clean in a relationship when the other person is using, so stopping while Karl continues to use might ultimately lead to your ending the relationship. It’s also possible that your sobriety might influence Karl to get clean too, but you certainly cannot bet on that. I’ve seen many couples struggle mightily when the partners are in different places on whether to stop.

Finally, your experience that sex has become impossible unless you’re high is extremely common among crystal meth users. Meth makes sex seem fantastic — though it is unreal and unnatural — and re-wires your arousal threshold so you can only perform when you’re high. Sex and drugs become fused and soon only fetishized, compulsive sex is appealing. As a result, sober sex will hold no interest for you; it may not even seem possible. The only solution for this is to stop using, so that your brain has the opportunity to re-wire itself over time back to a normal arousal threshold. Many recovering addicts struggle for years to get over the sex-drug fusion and to re-learn how to find sober sex appealing. The sooner you stop, the more possibility you will have to restore a normal, healthy sex life.

You’ve got some tough decisions to make. If you continue to use, it’s likely that your use will continue to escalate. If you stop using, your life is likely to improve in some ways, but you may lose your relationship. It’s also true that you can’t have much of a relationship if you keep using.

Please know that while crystal meth is a difficult drug to get off of, it is absolutely possible to do so, but finding strong support is crucial. If you want to stop using, I recommend you start by attending a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting to learn more about how the recovery program could help you. I’ve seen many people literally save their lives by taking this step. Good luck.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

29
Aug
2013

On the same page?

sad man, gay news, Washington Blade

Hard-to-get: If you’ve been in this position before or if you’re turned on by the challenge of winning over an unattainable guy, consider working with a skilled therapist to help you stop going down the road of pining for a guy who you aren’t likely to get. (Photo by Bigstock)

Hi Michael, 

I’ve been in a relationship with Chris for over a year and a half. Although I’m in school, when I come home for breaks I stay with him at his place. We have been through a lot together and have supported each other through job changes, family drama and distance.

Recently Chris has moved from the suburbs to share a place in the city with a friend and now he always seems to be too busy even to call or text me during the day. I am busy too, but I always reach out to him. I feel that he is completely neglecting me.

Although we never agreed to an open relationship, he did tell me that he “slipped” a few times while I was at school. Now that he has moved into the city and is more distant, I am worried that the cheating will increase. While I understand that it is hard to go for months without sexual interaction, I feel a strong sense of loyalty toward him, so have chosen to be celibate when we are separated.

I don’t want our relationship to fade away. Is it crazy for me to ask him not to ignore me?

Michael replies:

You can ask Chris not to ignore you, but that does not mean that he will start making you the priority that you want him to make you.

From what you describe, the two of you don’t have an agreement about your level of commitment to each other. For example, you are sexually exclusive, but Chris is not.  You reach out to him daily, but he is distant. Without a shared understanding of what a relationship actually means, the one who cares more (you, in this case) is likely to get hurt.

I suggest that you have some discussions with Chris so that both of you can get more clear, with yourselves and with each other, about where you stand. Together, you might consider questions such as:

  • How important are we to each other?
  • Are we friends, friends with benefits or boyfriends?
  • How much time would we like to spend with each other?
  • How can we stay close, if we both want to, when we’re often separated geographically?
  • Do we want to have a monogamous relationship?

If you do talk, the two of you probably won’t agree on everything, because two people almost never do. But it’s certainly worth discussing these points rather than making assumptions or hoping that Chris feels the same way that you do, only to be disappointed if you find out that he doesn’t.

While you absolutely can advocate for the relationship that you would like to have, know that you cannot make up Chris’s mind for him. Each of you gets to decide what kind of relationship you want, and then see if there is enough common ground to go forward. In all of this, be prepared for the possibility that you won’t get what you want.  Chris might not even be willing to have a conversation with you about clarifying the boundaries of your relationship, which would, of course, give you all the information you need.

One more point: I’m curious about your interest in a man who, from your description, doesn’t appear to be that into you. Ask yourself if there is something appealing about this dynamic. If you’ve been in this position before or if you’re turned on by the challenge of winning over an unattainable guy, consider working with a skilled therapist to help you stop going down the road of pining for a guy who you aren’t likely to get.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay individuals and couples in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

12
Sep
2013

Repercussions of cheating

cheating, gay news, Washington Blade

If you want to be in a relationship for the long haul, you have to figure out what to do when your partner deeply wounds you. (Photo by iStock)

Hi Michael,

 

My girlfriend and I are in a bad place over her having cheated on me.

Although we’re a committed couple, Ellen was seeing someone on the side for a brief time. I found out through a text message I happened to see and confronted her. She was very forthcoming and gave me an explanation that was slightly comforting — the affair started when I was out of town for two months on business and it was a purely physical attraction to someone at the gym.

She has apologized a lot, has given me her passwords so I can keep an eye on her, but although she seems contrite and I am monitoring her communications, I feel very uneasy about her commitment to me. I’m starting to get paranoid, wondering if she has another phone or email account and I find myself worried about what might happen next, without my knowing about it.

As a result, I am keeping my distance, which isn’t good for our relationship, of course. How can I trust her not to hurt me again so that we can move on?

 

Michael replies:

 

You cannot have a guarantee that Ellen will never hurt you again. In fact, it is certain that she will; the people we love inevitably hurt us, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. And of course, we inevitably hurt the people we love. How could it be otherwise in adult relationships? Each of us has our own priorities and interests and at times all of us will put these above what is best for our partner.

While it’s a very good idea to think carefully before making a move that will profoundly injure your partner — such as having an affair when you are in a monogamous relationship — people often don’t think carefully (or at all) in such situations. And so if you want to be in a relationship for the long haul, you have to figure out what to do when your partner deeply wounds you.

Rather than you and Ellen both trying to convince you to trust Ellen never to hurt you again, the two of you might work on a far more realistic goal: getting to a point where you can each trust yourself to do your best in a world where all sorts of temptations can arise and all sorts of things can happen.

If I were speaking to Ellen, I would ask her: Is your agreement to be monogamous more important to you than the thrill of a new partner? Is honesty toward your girlfriend more important than avoiding the fallout of having broken an agreement to be monogamous? If the answer to these questions is yes, then Ellen must consider what work she has to do so that she can know with certainty, going forward, that she will behave in a way that actually honors what she believes is most important to her. And through doing this work on herself, she will become a more trustworthy partner.

Some questions for you: In what ways do you need to grow in order to trust that you will be a good partner in the future, even when your girlfriend lets you down? What work must you do to know that you can take care of yourself when things aren’t going well? The stronger you can be when things are bad, the more likely it is that your relationship will survive — if you want it to survive. A related question: Can you trust yourself to know when the bottom line for what you will tolerate in this relationship has been crossed?

I also suggest that you work on trusting your observations and your sense that something is amiss, rather than continuing to examine Ellen’s emails and texts for confirmation that all is OK. When you have a suspicious stance and are looking for incriminating evidence, you are more likely to find what you are looking for. And when people are put on probation, they are often sorely tempted to cheat. Your current dynamic of checking Ellen’s communications is a setup for lack of trust and fidelity and is creating a relationship of adversaries rather than of collaborative peers.

Keep in mind that moving on from affairs and building a stronger relationship is difficult. It’s hard work and takes time to find ways to behave with integrity and to learn how to steady yourself when you are in turmoil. While I hope I am giving you some useful pointers, you both may find it helpful to work ongoing with a skilled couples therapist. Good luck!

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with LGBT couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at personalgrowthzone.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to Michael@personalgrowthzone.com.

25
Sep
2013